Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
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“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
My time has come.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.