Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
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nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
even bears disappoint their mothers
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away