“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
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Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta