[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
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The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”