Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
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I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
early stone age tool
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
The three genders
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
guilty
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.