Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
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i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him