BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
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Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping