My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
You Might Also Like
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”