blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
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*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…