10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
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No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Lmao the reply
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.