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Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.