Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
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Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
this post was so formative to me
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I can’t deal with men any longer
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker