[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
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Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
👾👾👾
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task