God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
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KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.