Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
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How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
For the ones in the back.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.