Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
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[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
ATMs should have breathalyzers
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace