[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
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Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Basketball
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?