Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
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So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.