me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
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If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I am a gravy boat captain
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis