*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
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*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Note to self: always read the final line
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I mean…but I did
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds