My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
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time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
This January has 47 Mondays
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.