I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
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I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.