“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
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McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER