Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
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Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”