Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
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depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
How much for the goth pool noodles?
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Grandmother clock.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?