me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
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It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.