When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
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I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Goat cheese is for herders.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me