Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
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Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.