murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
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What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*