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Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]