The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
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[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.