[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
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Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Noah was an idiot.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages