the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
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Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom