Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
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Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
channeling her this year
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.