I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
You Might Also Like
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
So, can we agree on 4 or
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
reviewed some movies recently
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
ugh not again
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.