Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
You Might Also Like
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
he was correct
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
*frowns in Scottish*
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”