I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
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You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat