A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
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My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I’m about to risk it all
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.