Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
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ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac