if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
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If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message