just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
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Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
mood
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?