Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
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Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.