Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
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You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*