I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
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12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
They must have gotten it to go.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Finally!
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine