It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
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sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI