I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
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Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
how to market bottled water to dads
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.