person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
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ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.