[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
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me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.