The devil.
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I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.