Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
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Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally